This is an open note to the Gainesville/Hall County Community who are new to the area and, perhaps, to our country. Okay, I'll be more direct, if you say or hear "Goooooooooooooooooooooooooooool!" when your favorite team scores, this post is for you.

Part of the challenge of being in a new community, culture or country is learning the traditions and social pattern of your new home. This process of assimilation isn't meant to erase your culture but to ease your way into the broader social fabric of the community. In case I'm not being clear here, it's about fitting in.

Children do this better than adults. They learn a new language, adopt new customs and find new friends much easier. To them, the process is almost transparent. The Arrogant Jerk's sister once remarked on how the young (we're talking three or four years old) AJ would speak his parent's Eastern European mother tongue in the house and as soon as he went outside and the screen door slammed, he'd be speaking English. Adults, however, have their habits and traditions and sometimes need a bit more prodding to integrate themselves into their new community.

The Arrogant Jerk knows about trying to fit in. Try to explain being dressed like this - a boy in a white skirt and tights - and dancing with girls to your fourth grade classmates.

In much of the world, fall is the season for football. The Premier League begins play, as do many of the professional leagues across Europe, North America and Asia. Our "football", too, is a fall sport as both the National "Football" League, NCAA and local school play begins.

Some of our American born readers may have noticed that I placed quotes around football. Why it's continued to be called football here is beyond me. Only two players of a squad of 55 actually put their foot on the ball and for only the briefest time. When the ball is kicked, it is either to kick the ball deliberately to the other team, a practice frowned upon in the football played everywhere else, or to score lesser points than when the ball is carried. And since our football is more akin to rugby, it really should be the NRL, no? That's not to knock the sport, but simply to say I think the NFL is trying to ride the coattails of the most popular professional sport in the world through a bit of deception.

Someone kicking a football. A rugby player kicking a football. No, a rugby player kicking a rugby ball. All rugby players are allowed to kick their ball.

One of two guys on an American football team that actually foots the ball - a ball made less spherical to encourage throwing it. If you made a ball in this shape in preschool, your teacher would correct you.

Naming controversy aside, this is the important thing for you to know now that you are in Georgia, a state known to its devotion to American football. In fact, we allocate three days of the week during the fall to the sport of "football". Friday (nights in particular) are the province of high schools, Saturday, universities and Sunday, the pros. One might think the pros attract the most attention but, remarkably, in Georgia, college football is as or more important. If, on a Saturday, you see someone wearing red, it's not a "social" affiliation but a nod to one of our local universities, UGA.

Let's talk about Saturdays and Sundays. I'll ignore Friday nights because - well, I don't windsurf in the dark. On Saturdays and Sundays, it is vitally important that you devote as much of your and your family's time to being football spectators. It's what we do here in America.

On Saturdays, if you can, drive several hours to a university, any university, with appropriate flags attached to your car windows. It makes no matter whether you or anyone in your family has attended or attends that university. Some of the most fervent fans have no hope of matriculating at said institution - not a snowball's chance in hell of getting in. But, go you must. The most extreme example is "bowl" season where most fans drive or even fly to obscure towns to watch their team play a meaningless opponent as celebration for yet another mediocre season. If you can't drive, then devote the better part of your day in front of the TV to watching your university of choice's game plus some random game played by teams on our West Coast - games involving schools in Oregon, Idaho and Utah are recommended.

UGA's Sanford Stadium, not that far from Gainesville. Note the predominant red, black and white apparel. It would be considered a breach of protocol to wear other colors such as orange or gold.

Sundays are devoted to your, usually, local professional team - except in Atlanta. For some reason, Atlantans are prone to cheer for the team where they, their parents or grandparents used to live. That's why your neighbor thinks the Pittsburgh Steelers are el gato pijama. But, this should improve when we build our new $700 million stadium without a roof to replace our current stadium with a roof. I kid you not at the cost but that's a whole 'nother discussion (why your children will be working for a Chinese conglomerate at subsistence wages).

If your local professional team is playing in town, not only are you expected to attend the game, but you are also supposed to "tailgate" where you picnic, not in an idyllic location like a mountain or beach but in some asphalt lot with a thousand other cars. If your team is playing away in another city, you should be in front of your TV watching your team's game and perhaps several other games involving teams wholly unrelated to your team or region - Kansas City, Phoenix and Seattle are common examples. It's not sufficient to watch the game, you should watch both the "pre-game" and "post-game" shows where concussed former players share such insights as,"they’re either going to run the ball here or their going to pass it" or "usually the team that scores the most points wins the game." (Actual quotes. I can't even make stuff like this up.)

How we Americans like to picnic. It's so popular, there isn't an open space.

A picnic elsewhere in the world. I have no idea why this would appeal to anyone.

By now, I'm sure you are wondering, "why is the Arrogant Jerk being so kind and taking the time to teach me so much about America?"

Well, I don't want you to make the social faux pas of going to a local park on a Saturday or Sunday. Especially a local park on a local lake like, maybe, for a hypothetical (purely hypothetical) example, say, perhaps, Van Pugh Park on Lake Lanier. No, you should be either watching a football game your TV or attending one in person. It's the American way. It's what we do here. It's who we are.

Cue obligatory Youtube clip:

People who don't watch football in the fall, also called windsurfers. That may well be the Arrogant Jerk's trailor parked up on the hill to the left.