Dear Neighbors,
Our yard last November.
Religious item of our faith
This is [redacted] Jerk. My family lives at [redacted]. I am putting this letter in all the mailboxes in the street as it seems the easiest way to communicate with the neighborhood. I know that I have all your email addresses from the neighborhood directory but ever since the "Relive the '80s Party" fiasco which featured the regrettable Cosby Show marathon and my clever Heathcliff Huxtable costume, it seems my email is blocked by many of you. (Incidentally, was it that we served Jello Pudding Cups or had it catered by Subway that offended many of you? Personally, I thought the M&Ms in the dish labelled "Ludes" was a clever touch.)
Anyway, I'm writing to let you know that my yard may not meet our usual community standards for the next few months. Leaves may collect. The grass may go uncut. We'll do our best to get the paper and mail but we may be away in NC or FL for periods of time.
In past years, I know that many of you have spent much of October, November, December and January making frantic calls to the city, writing irate letters to the Home Owners Association and, in one case, calling cousin Tony in NJ to see if he can help out with a "situation". (Before anybody accuses me of unfairly stereotyping Italian-Americans, Tony does landscape work and, in a twist of fate, I highly recommend him if you are putting in hardscapes.)
To save you time and effort, I would like to remind you that I am a parishioner of the High and Holy Church of St. Monofilmus of Antioch and Cappadocia . In accordance with the rites of my faith, I devote my weekends in the feast period of Autumn to mediation and reflection on the water. I know that you, like most Americans, are tolerant and understanding of other faiths. I would like also to remind you of last year's contentious court ruling affirming my constitutional rights to practice my faith. Some media commentators disagreed strongly with that ruling and suggested further community action but we would like to thank those that resisted the urge to throw burning dog excrement onto our driveway. To those who didn't resist the urge, our dog knows where your yard is and we are feeding him left overs from La Azteca as I write this.
One of the many things that makes America great is how people of diverse cultures come together as a nation yet celebrate our individual cultures and backgrounds. So, in that spirit of freedom and especially religious freedom, if anyone wants to borrow my rake and leaf blower at any time in the next several months, please do so as I won't be using them.
Signed,
The Jerk Family
